“I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”
I didn’t say that. Frank Herbert did in the book Dune. But I think about this quote all the time.
Two years ago, I had gastric bypass surgery. At the time, I thought I had a problem with food. I had been heavy most of my life and all of my adult life. I spent my time on the diet yo-yo. I binged. I purged. I starved myself. I ate grapefruits. I ate no grapefruits. I ate negative calorie foods. I restricted and tweaked and logged calories ad nauseam. Everyone once in awhile, my body would throw my mind a bone and lose a couple of pounds. Once I even lost 50lbs by logging food and working out at least 5 days a week on an elliptical or treadmill at least 30 mins. I dreaded those 30 mins every day. But I put 30 of those pounds back on, one by one. I didn’t really know how big I got, because for years I wouldn’t go on a scale, but when I applied for the weight loss surgery process, I weighed in at 339.6. And that was after a diet.
At the same time I was playing with my food, I was also suffering from panic attacks and swinging bouts of depression. I didn’t realize that I had been having panic attacks since I was about 9 years old until my therapist told me that when I would start hysterically crying that it was a panic attack.
I have finally figured out that I don’t have a problem with food. I have a problem with fear. Food is how I dealt with my fear.
Short list of stuff Holly is afraid of:
2. The mere idea of space (you know, that vacuum of infinity past our atmosphere)
4. Down escalators
5. Driving over bridges
After 2 and half years, I have taken off about 170 lbs, give or take. I found a supportive group of people who made workouts out an enjoyable experience soon after I had my surgery. Then I found crossfit about 5 months ago and from day one I started, I went 5 days a week and never looked back.
Andrea has given me the opportunity to chronicle the next few months of my life on her site. So here I am, overcoming my fears with deadlifts, pull ups and sorts of devilish physical challenges that remind me that even if I am afraid, I should do it anyway. The fear will always pass and only I will remain.